'Cliche' Poem

Why is it that I don't close my eyes,
to sleep in the quiet of the night?
Every other night I wish for the sunrise,
waiting for that every morning light.

Why is it that when it does come,
that I have no energy to stay strong?
Life shouldn't be this way,
I shouldn't be depressed this long.

I can feel it in my body,
when I try to work through the day.
How I yearn for that freedom,
Just to be able to work and play

Life truly seems like an awfully long journey,
that I chose to ignore at this moment,
But I do fear for the day,
When I do regret to those whom I had forsaken

Why is it that I can't learn to see,
What lies right in front of my sight?
To let go of that heavy burden upon my shoulder,
And to enjoy my life fill with joy and pride.

Random thoughts

I am not a professional writer nor am I a good story-teller but then I am just trying to convey what I am experiencing. So, apparently, I have to admit that I do have an eating disorder (which I did since last december). Although I dare to say that the worst is over but there is probably 20% or less left that I still need to fight against ED but it is a hellavu battle without prior predictions of who might win in the end...

Its just thaT I am not sure about the feeling of being full. Its like my head and stomach had not connected yet. I know when I am feeling hungry. I really didn't meant to be complacent and lazy, I understand it is within my character.. I do get the whole concept of it but then to be able to physically and mentally prepared for it is very hard. I am not saying anyone is pressurizing me...except myself.
Me trying to be a people-pleaser all the time. Trying to be 'ok' all the time when in actual fact I am just pretending for others and for myself. I need to not just please others but also to ED. Just because I know that if there isn't anyone else to depend on, ED will always be there.

Miss Boon told me that if I were to keep this relationship with ED, I can't be with anyone else. Its like a third party and ED will always be there until I learn to let him go. I know he doesn't love me and I know he wants me to die painfully and alone. But he seems to always serve as an 'excuse' or 'safety net' that I can fall onto if i can't take the responsibility or the blame. Its always easier to blame others than urself. And in this case, I find it easier to blame it all on ED. This part of me that I can't seem to shake off at the moment. I know it is one thing to know what to do and another to actually doing it..

Some say Love, It is a river
that drowns the tender reed.
Some say Love, it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed
Some say Love, it is a hunger
an endless aching need.

I say Love, it is a flower
and you, its only seed.
Its the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
Its the dream afraid of waking
that never takes a chance

Its the one who won't be taken
who can not seem to care
And the soul afraid of dying
That never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely
& the road has been too long
& you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter,
far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed that where the sun lights
In the spring, becomes the rose

Anti-ED group~

As I stare at my plate that consisted of my favourite: roast duck rice; I couldn’t bring myself to even think of eating it. That was when my Eating Disorder (E.D.) was the strongest. E.D. was the monster that I’ve been feeding out of fear that gotten stronger and stronger everyday; or an abusive boyfriend that I just couldn’t leave at that time. That was when I was at my worst: I was in denial that I had any problem, let alone an eating disorder. I used to think at that time that as long as I control my eating and as long as I exercise until I consumed negative or minimum calories for a day, I will be fine.

At that time, I didn’t think that I had a problem.. I just think I looked fat no matter how well I try to control my calories intake. And E.D. at that time did not manifest itself as a separate voice…in actual fact, that time it sounded just like my own voice. I never thought that I heard a separate different voice in my head to purge after a normal meal with an unavoidable meal, to skip meals or even to lie to others about my daily diets.

After few weeks of hospitalization in the Singapore General Hospital, Ward 46A, I slowly and painfully learned the normality of just eating three meals a day. I learned that I am not alone in this war. The battle is still raging now and then again with wars going on. But then things were put into perspective by a team of multidisciplinary members. Dr Lee, my psychiatrist that ensured that I will be comfortable but remained stern with me at the same time. Nurses that care and made sure we don’t fall back and provide entertainment for us, in-patients, to bring us normality and joy in our life within the ward. Our dearest Nana, who always took care of things that we wanted and lending us a hearing ear whenever we need. Occupational therapist, psychologist, dietician, physiotherapist, etc that were essential within a multi-disciplinary team in order to fight against all sort of E.D.

My E.D. was a selfish bastard that insisted that I listen to him but never praise or say that I have done well. There was always a downside to E.D. He used to torture me about even eating a piece of fruit. I know that I can’t make everyone comprehend what this stupid feeling that I am experiencing. However, I urge that everyone would keep a look out for someone you suspect to be suffering such abuse from an eating disorder. Sometimes, we all need a push now and again to kick-start a lot of things. I am lucky enough to have a strong family support as well as friends to push me along the right track. Sometimes, I feel so bad for bailing out on my friends, my supervisor, my housemate and many others I think.

Please pledge to start this programme in Brunei. Just like in Singapore General Hospital, their life centre catered not only for Ed patients but for obesity cases as well. I remembered once, that my brother told me that Aneroxia Nervosa is like the cancer of the soul…..It sucked out all the emotions from me and I could not emphatise with anything, not even the love of my family. There are many hidden issues associated with body image and confidence of our adolescence nowadays. It is difficult with the constant exposure of media regarding the glamorous life of the thin-stick-celebrity as well as the damnation of even looking ‘healthy’ or ‘normal’.

I know that life is precious and perhaps I am still not leading a completely ED-free life as well as not being able to throw that edge of the security blanket that I was used to so much.

Depression Vs The pursuit of happiness..Over rated?

You can't help but notice the increasing number of 'Be Happy' or 'Being happy for Dummies' etc books popping out for the last couple of years. It seems that every now and again, people are getting stressed and yes...depressed. Someone asked me how would you actually know if someone can be clinically diagnosed as depressed. Well, I am definitely in no position to answer that. To me, depression was like a constant dark cloud hovering around. Even when occasionally i see the glimpse of happiness and hope, I forgo all that just cause I 'think' more about the that ever hovering dark cloud. I was even confused as to why I can't feel happy about things that I should be. Like doing well at work, doing some baking...the happiness seems so short-lived. That was how I felt. My doctor told me it is because of 'chemical-imbalance' in my head which apparently i should know something about. Anyway, as pessimistic as I want to portray myself as, I think I like the happy side and childish side of me.
Somehow, when I read those books that tells me the steps to being happier..all of them do conclude to the same: Do always look at the bright side.. I keep having to remind myself that. So that perhaps one day at a time, the sky will become clearer and brighter for me.

Time to be happy again?

Is it the time for me to be happy and simple like before again?
I feel blessed to be surrounded by loved ones; family, friends and special ones.
This journey seems long but it seems that the worse is over already.
I do not wish to go back to before..when it was like hell...
Thanks to all that had faith in me..
Thanks to anyone who didn;t care about just my E.D.
Thanks to those who don't bullshit with me(you know who u are)
Thanks to the team that is always there regardlessly
Thanks to myself for being strong... and honest...

Its about time that I learn to appreciate life. To lead the simple life I wish for.

Positive thinking...

Singapore Changi Airport T2

Been here for so many times.. once every 2 weeks. When will it end? I know it depends on me.. Perhaps soon.