I am not a professional writer nor am I a good story-teller but then I am just trying to convey what I am experiencing. So, apparently, I have to admit that I do have an eating disorder (which I did since last december). Although I dare to say that the worst is over but there is probably 20% or less left that I still need to fight against ED but it is a hellavu battle without prior predictions of who might win in the end...
Its just thaT I am not sure about the feeling of being full. Its like my head and stomach had not connected yet. I know when I am feeling hungry. I really didn't meant to be complacent and lazy, I understand it is within my character.. I do get the whole concept of it but then to be able to physically and mentally prepared for it is very hard. I am not saying anyone is pressurizing me...except myself.
Me trying to be a people-pleaser all the time. Trying to be 'ok' all the time when in actual fact I am just pretending for others and for myself. I need to not just please others but also to ED. Just because I know that if there isn't anyone else to depend on, ED will always be there.
Miss Boon told me that if I were to keep this relationship with ED, I can't be with anyone else. Its like a third party and ED will always be there until I learn to let him go. I know he doesn't love me and I know he wants me to die painfully and alone. But he seems to always serve as an 'excuse' or 'safety net' that I can fall onto if i can't take the responsibility or the blame. Its always easier to blame others than urself. And in this case, I find it easier to blame it all on ED. This part of me that I can't seem to shake off at the moment. I know it is one thing to know what to do and another to actually doing it..
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2 comments:
Dear Princess Manggis,
Just a short note to remind you that you are doing extremely well and as long as you stay focussed the finishing line is within reach. Yes, you have to put your wellbeing and happiness first, remind yourself daily of your main goal and all will be well. And always remember you are not alone...we are your safety net and not ED K?
just remember this.....you hold the key to your happiness and future...your loved ones and supporters arealwyas there to support you...your safety net. you should treat and think of the eating disorder as a medical condition, an illness and not a safety net or something that gives you security. that is an incorrect perception and thinking. everyday willl be a battle but remember as each day goes by you want to win and not lose or give up the fight....stay on track and look to the future and not backwards
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