Anti-ED group~

As I stare at my plate that consisted of my favourite: roast duck rice; I couldn’t bring myself to even think of eating it. That was when my Eating Disorder (E.D.) was the strongest. E.D. was the monster that I’ve been feeding out of fear that gotten stronger and stronger everyday; or an abusive boyfriend that I just couldn’t leave at that time. That was when I was at my worst: I was in denial that I had any problem, let alone an eating disorder. I used to think at that time that as long as I control my eating and as long as I exercise until I consumed negative or minimum calories for a day, I will be fine.

At that time, I didn’t think that I had a problem.. I just think I looked fat no matter how well I try to control my calories intake. And E.D. at that time did not manifest itself as a separate voice…in actual fact, that time it sounded just like my own voice. I never thought that I heard a separate different voice in my head to purge after a normal meal with an unavoidable meal, to skip meals or even to lie to others about my daily diets.

After few weeks of hospitalization in the Singapore General Hospital, Ward 46A, I slowly and painfully learned the normality of just eating three meals a day. I learned that I am not alone in this war. The battle is still raging now and then again with wars going on. But then things were put into perspective by a team of multidisciplinary members. Dr Lee, my psychiatrist that ensured that I will be comfortable but remained stern with me at the same time. Nurses that care and made sure we don’t fall back and provide entertainment for us, in-patients, to bring us normality and joy in our life within the ward. Our dearest Nana, who always took care of things that we wanted and lending us a hearing ear whenever we need. Occupational therapist, psychologist, dietician, physiotherapist, etc that were essential within a multi-disciplinary team in order to fight against all sort of E.D.

My E.D. was a selfish bastard that insisted that I listen to him but never praise or say that I have done well. There was always a downside to E.D. He used to torture me about even eating a piece of fruit. I know that I can’t make everyone comprehend what this stupid feeling that I am experiencing. However, I urge that everyone would keep a look out for someone you suspect to be suffering such abuse from an eating disorder. Sometimes, we all need a push now and again to kick-start a lot of things. I am lucky enough to have a strong family support as well as friends to push me along the right track. Sometimes, I feel so bad for bailing out on my friends, my supervisor, my housemate and many others I think.

Please pledge to start this programme in Brunei. Just like in Singapore General Hospital, their life centre catered not only for Ed patients but for obesity cases as well. I remembered once, that my brother told me that Aneroxia Nervosa is like the cancer of the soul…..It sucked out all the emotions from me and I could not emphatise with anything, not even the love of my family. There are many hidden issues associated with body image and confidence of our adolescence nowadays. It is difficult with the constant exposure of media regarding the glamorous life of the thin-stick-celebrity as well as the damnation of even looking ‘healthy’ or ‘normal’.

I know that life is precious and perhaps I am still not leading a completely ED-free life as well as not being able to throw that edge of the security blanket that I was used to so much.